The Accessible Family Circus

You didn't brush your teeth. I still smell hobo balls.

There are 2 possible "jokes" here, and I'm not sure which one was intended.

1. Billy is not actually "in bed with a cold", because he's standing up at the window talking to his squatty compadres. The joke lies in the obvious mistruth being spoken. Nevertheless, this would still be a perfectly acceptable explanation because his bed does appear unkempt and only a jackass would take that to mean that he is literally in bed at that exact instant. Most of us have the ability to arrive at the reasonable conclusion that Billy just got out of bed to relay this riveting tale of illness, at which point he will return to bed. Funny Rating: 1 of 10.

2. The window sill appears to be pretty flush to the side of the house, and the raised window appears to be pretty close to the outer edge of the sill. Judging from the large amount of snow accumulated on the window sill, are we to infer that Billy's window has been open for a long period of time? Perhaps a week or more? Thus, he is responsible for his own cold, although part of the blame should surely be set on the parents. Since Hot Mom does no wrong, I blame Stupid Dad. Funny Rating: 1 of 10.

There is, of course, a 3rd (non-joke) option:

3. Billy is actually sick, by no fault of his own, and is relaying this accurate message to some friends. This is a statement, and no joke is intended. This would signify a huge breakthrough for Bil, who finally stopped pretending to act like he cares about trying to be funny. Funny Rating: 0 of 10. Reality Rating: 10 of 10.

Most Bil Keane comics require you to pretend that the kids are stupid curious aliens who just crashed on our planet.

12 years, 1 spring break, and 3 burning sensations later, Dolly will look back on this as the best medical test ever.

Jeffy is such a little tease. He drives all the local pedos wild.

You have one nostril and a deformed nose. Everything probably smells like candle.

It's cute because a drunk little boy is helping his drunk father put up Christmas lights. Judging by the paper bag, they've also been huffing paint. Norman Rockwell needs to clean this shit up.

What a helpful little boy you are. Here, I have a Milky Way with extra razory goodness set aside especially for you.

For years, Dolly has dreamt of finding someone uglier than herself to be friends with. Today, a little girl's wish came true.

That's an interesting question, Dolly! It's also a great example of how you can use math to figure things out! First, we'll divide 42 by 44, and this will tell us what percentage the part (42) is of the whole (44). We end up with 94.45% repeating. For the sake of simplicity, let's just say 95%. Now, this letter is going to your Aunt Mona in New jersey, which happens to be 792 miles away. If we find 95% of that distance, we'll know how far the mailman will take the letter. So, 792 X .95 = 752 miles. Let's check the map real quick. 752 miles from here will take you to the middle of my asshole. The mailman will take the letter to my asshole and jam it up there because it's a freaking letter and the mailman doesn't haggle . Have you ever had a papercut in your lower intestine? You'll want to stay away from Thai food for a while.
The lesson to remember for the future, Dolly, is that when people say "there are no stupid questions" it means you just asked a stupid question.

Yes, Billy. I saw When Harry Met Sally too. I know you "just want it the way you want it", but you are not Meg Ryan. If you start faking an orgasm and pounding on the table, I swear to god you're going to get cut.

Under the category of "Things you have to pretend to like when you get older", coffee (and your mother will back me up on this one) is the least of your concerns.

Dolly didn't even hear PJ's words, for she was transfixed. Something struck her about the purposeful way the man worked the mouthpiece of that instrument. In it, she saw her calling. "It doesn't matter that I'm fat. If I can do that people will like me...and Dear God, I think I can to that".

Sadly, Dolly never learned to play the tuba, but she did look back fondly on that moment whenever a John gave her a decent tip.

HAHA. That's really funny, Billy. It is a good thing Spiderman's mom wasn't scared of insects, huh? That is a funny observation. TOO BAD SHE'S DEAD, ASSHOLE! She only died when he was a fricken BABY, DUH. It's a good thing your mom isn't scared of inconsiderate jerkoffs.

Ah, the dreaded Global Warming Disease. Usually contracted by sleeping in a friggin sweater. Believe me, you do not want to catch it. It's bad. Symptoms include mussy hair, stupidity, and waking up with a dirty-ass face.