The Accessible Family Circus

[INSERT "BITCH STORE" JOKE HERE]

Keane Incorporated, where any shitty non-joke is worth doing twice.

The irony here is that 90% of Family Circus "jokes" are based off of the kids having no understanding of the English language. Yet here they are, with a dictionary and an apparent ability to read. All of my theories are shot.

If anyone is related to Miss Piggy, it's Dolly. Just look at that friggin mug.

Hot Mom says the same thing on every drunken anniversary, when Bil wants to "try something different".

Hmmm...Hot Mom, maybe the keys are UNDER the chair? Like WAY under? Just bend over real far and look. No no, just keep looking. Shut up and keep looking.

Jeffy, seriously. An "Oh yes" has never occurred in that house. An "Oh No" has happened exactly 4 times. You were #3.

Eww. Yuck. This is more disgusting than the face-hugger in Alien.

Not only am I unable to think of anything funny to say about today's comic, I can't even figure out the intended joke. Jeff Keane is earning his living the old fashioned way.

1. Have a successful father
2. Take control of father's business.
3. Draw a stupid comic with a random unfunny caption.
4. Someone gives you money.
5. A guy writing a crappy blog documents his contempt for you.
6. Eat Cheetos and laugh.

Dolly's bondage fetish can be traced back to April 20th, 2012. It's nice to have this documented. It will help during her therapy.

Ummmmm......in the past 50 years you have not increased in age, height, or intelligence. So the short answer is "never". Set the game down. Here's a potato. Have fun.

Look at that fatass Dolly, just EYEING dad's porkchop while he's distracted by yet another insanely idiotic Jeffy question. That shit is about to get snatched. Dolly's weight and Jeffy's stupidity are directly proportional. It's interesting how nature works.

*Yes, I recognized the "let you cut your own meat" angle, but seriously, even I get bored with Keane's constant sexual innuendo.

The Keane household: A place so innocent that the phrase "in the right holes" doesn't warrant a second glance. Even when Jeffy looks like he's about to deep throat a harmonica. I can only imagine the awkwardness that would arise from watching an episode of Three's Company. I picture a lot of "GASP!!" and "WELL I NEVER"s.

Will they believe MY excuse that you jumped out after them?

Out of respect to Mr. Keane passing away (especially since he was reportedly a good sport about Family Circus parodies), I will not insult him today. Rest in Peace, Bil Keane. You no longer have to live in a world with sturdy little bitches like Dolly.